So, this episode has absolutely NOTHING to do with the ER. But it does have to do with death, grief and mourning.
Today, on this miserable, rainy, wet, cold and dreary day...I have turned thirty. Yep that's right, folks, my twenties have died. They were having SOB and went into respiratory distress yesterday, along with all the idiot chief complaints I saw sign in yesterday at the front desk of the ER. Recepted every stupid complaint into the computer myself, while my poor twenties were in respiratory distress. Well, as you can imagine without action and treatment, my twenties coded on me sometime in the night during my sleep. Well when I woke up this morning, I attempted to resuscitate them, but I have just called the code. They are dead. Luckily for me since the code didn't happen at the hospital, I have no paperwork to fill out, except my recollection of the events in this blog.
So now, I guess I'm officially in mourning. Man I had a lot happen in that decade of life known as my twenties. I became a drug addict in that decade. I snorted so much crap up my nose, it's amazing that my nose didn't protest and run away from me. Doesn't work the best for breathing now, but for some strange reason allows me have heightened sense of smell. How lucky for me in the healthcare industry that I still get to smell every putrid stench that comes along and makes me gag.
It was in this same decade of life that God spoke to me and saved me AND delivered me of the addiction I speak of above. June 5, 2004 I was reborn and put down the straw. PRAISE GOD! Life clean is so much better and more rewarding. Without God, I would be dead. I would be taking the ol' 6-feet under, dirt nap. But instead, God saw fit to keep me alive and use me for his purposes.
In my twenties I was given the gift of motherhood and bringing life into this world. How that child taught me love. I had used the word "love" in my vocabulary my whole life, but I did not know it's true meaning until I felt her move inside of me. Wow, my use of the word "love" prior to that wasn't even close. Then when she was born, the word grew even more. To know why the mother lion or bear or elephant or *insert wildly violent mother protector here* is so vicious in regards to her offspring, is truly amazing. The love and need to protect my Angel sprang forth from my DNA. I can't even describe it.
In my twenties, I found what God has called me to do with this life of mine. Found out what my purpose is. He called me to be a nurse. He showed me through my child. You see, my Angel was born with a very RARE disease. So rare that they have yet to isolate the gene/chromosome(s) responsible for this disease. So rare, that she is only the fourth known child in the world to have this condition. So rare that she has a case study, all to herself in a peer reviewed medical journal published and read throughout the GLOBE. So rare that she and her symptoms are in a database in the UK, all by herself, so that doctors can compare their pts symptoms to hers and thousands of others, in hopes of finding other babies like her. She was severely handicapped. And I kinda became a nurse before I knew I wanted to be a nurse. She required almost round the clock care. And until we got in-home nursing, I did it all. All of her meds, G-tube feedings, PT, OT, etc. I was just taking care of my baby, I didn't know that was nursing. Then, I finally asked enough questions to the nurses that helped to care for her that they said, "Why don't you just go to nursing school and find out." After 10 or so of them said the same thing, I figured maybe God wanted me to be a nurse. I realized how much I want to take care of people. I want to take care of the people that society has cast to the side and deemed unimportant. I want your "drug-seekers" and "crazies". I want your helpless. I want your worthless. I your poor in health. I want your poor in spirit. I want the pt that is so ornery and crotchety and has nothing nice to say. I want them all. And I want to shower them with excellent nursing care and I want to shower them with LOVE.
On a side note, I may be a smart-ass. And I may rant about the ER and some of the situations I find there. But I absolutely wouldn't trade it for the world. I get to help people on a level that I don't think I could anywhere else. Don't mistake my venting for lack of passion.
I met my husband in my twenties. When I had finally decided to give up on finding a man that would have any interest in a single mom with a severely handicapped child, I got a flat tire and pulled into a gas station and met the man that is now my husband. That man and my Angel fell for each-other so quickly, it was frightening. What if it didn't work out? My little Angel would suffer the loss, too; not just me. But thankfully, that wasn't the case. Unfortunately, it was Me and That man that would suffer the loss of her.
In the same decade that I was given the gift of love and life, I was given the terrible heart ache of death and grief. In my twenties, my gift from God was taken home to be with our Lord and Saviour. My little Angel died at the age of not even 2 years old. That grief will be with me until the day I die and I get to be with my Saviour and see him holding my own little Angel. The grief of one's child dying (spelling?) before you is unimaginable. I mean, we are supposed to die BEFORE our children. It's something that our DNA has not really coded for. That man wanted to adopt my little Angel, but alas, we didn't have enough time. But it was put on her death certificate with That man as her father.
In my twenties, I became a wife. Still sounds kinda odd. Wife. Sounds so adult. Me an *adult*. heh. The question is, when will I actually FEEL like an adult?
In my decade of twenties I actually got into nursing school. I am still in RN school, so I didn't finish my twenties as a registered nurse, but as a student nurse. The RN will come with the 30's. I absolutely hate nursing school. The stress of nursing school ranks up there with the stress of one's child dying (I didn't say grief, I said stress, there are many mental aspects of death). And that says a lot. I count the days until my graduation. Honestly, I don't recommend nursing school to anyone. I must be a glutton for punishment, or something, to continue on with this thing that I call Hell.
In my decade of twenties I've learned to care a little less of what people think about me than I did in my previous decade. Hopefully by the time I reach my 40's I won't care AT ALL.
In my decade of twenties I also completed a half-marathon at Disney (less than two weeks before my 30's).
My husband and me moved to the most awesome neighborhood in my twenties. Might seem small but we have some really swell neighbors. I haven't lived in a neighborhood that was involved with one another since my early childhood. It's nice to open up the door and holler, like a red-neck, across the street to my neighbor.
In my twenties, and through nursing school, I met one a person that is so dear to my heart. I only have 4-5 people that I would call "friends for life". And she is one of them. The friendship seemed so unlikely. Still does. She's so chill and laid back. Shows up at the last minute for everything. She's kind of preppy, hoity-toity. Blonde, thin and cute. Basically she's the anti-Me. I'm a neurotic spaz. High-strung. Show up early to just about everything. I am so not preppy and very hick-ish. Not blonde, not thin and not cute. Somehow, she gets me. She's about the only one in nursing school that has not talked about me behind my back and when I start having one of my spaztastic freak attacks she will tell me to shut up and chill-out. I am grateful for her. She has been added to my friends for life. After all, she did put me as one of her "Friends & Family out of network contacts" with Verizon. lol. ;-)
In your 30's, you're supposed to be a grown up, right? Guess I gotta do it some time. Some of the best moments of my life thus far where in my twenties and it is sad to leave them behind. It is for that reason that I feel like my youth is gone. For that reason, I say that my twenties have died. So, join me in mourning for my twenties and have a beer (Dos Equis Lager my fav), a glass of your favorite wine (for me it's Mascatto), or you favorite liquor drink (The House Margarita from Ted's Montana Grill made with Bombay Gin instead of Tequila is what I recommend), or whatever you so choose and say "Goodbye" to my twenties.
That is all.
